Tonight I Wanna Cry
by phoenixmagic1
Summary: Huddy, AU, Established Relationship. Part 3 in a 3 part series. Rated M, deals with drug usage, drinking, swear words and character death. Read at own risk. House reflects on his life 4 yrs after Cuddy leaves him.
1. Chapter 1

6/19/2008

7/13/2008

Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Tonight I Wanna Cry". It's sung by Keith Urban, from his CD "Be Here". I don't own House or Cuddy, David Shore does. It's written by Keith Urban and Monty Powell.

Rated M Please R&R

A/N: This is a sequel to "You Look Good In My Shirt". Established Romance and AU. A/N 2: Part 3 in a 3 part series. This takes place 4 years after "You Look Good In My Shirt". This story deals with drinking, drugs and has bad language, read at own risk!

A/N 3: I'm no medical doctor by any means, so I'm making up the Oxycotin dosage myself. LOL.

A/N 4: Character Death.

It had been four years ago today that she had left him and still to this day it hurt like hell. Every day since she left him had been like hell on earth, the first month of the first year was the hardest. He had been depressed for a month and didn't care about anything, what he ate or didn't eat, the little sleep he got, the work he tried his best to do but only did it half way. In that first month, he didn't care whether he was alive or dead, he just used alcohol, preferably whiskey and wine to numb the pain of his life.

Now four years later, his life was still a living hell. But for some reason tonight, he felt the pain even more so. Maybe it was from the song or the pictures of the two of them together on the wall that he saw at every corner or maybe the whiskey and wine or maybe it was a combination of all these things.

House sat on his couch, in his dark and dimly lit apartment. The only light came from the TV which was on mute. House lay slumped on his couch wearing two day old jeans, socks, an old grey t-shirt and he was sporting two day and counting scruff. He was drunk as a skunk, he didn't have a clue what day or what time it was, nor did he care. He only cared about getting drunk and staying that way. He had been listening to this same song for sometime now and had it memorized, it mirrored his life exactly. House had run out of whiskey days ago and he was now into his wine stash. The drunken man recalled every single detail that led up to her leaving and he hated it.

_Alone in this house again tonight  
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine  
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me  
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me  
I'll never get over you walkin' away_

God how he hated her for leaving him, she had lied, cheated twice, and this had hurt him deeply. House remembered the phone call that he had received the first time she'd cheated on him. House could hear how her voice shook with nervousness and uneasiness. House also recalled how she cried and told him she was sorry for cheating and promised to never do it again. House made the foolish decision to take her back. Things between them were strained for quite some time, but eventually they found their way back to each others arms. Then one night Cuddy called again and House could hear once again the trepidation in her voice and listened as she told her lover through her tears how she had cheated on him once again. House didn't speak to Cuddy for a week and a half and for her it was the longest week and a half of her life. Once again House took Cuddy back but he was very weary of her. The trust and love between them was fractured.

Over time, they once again repaired their relationship, and slowly over the years things seemed to be getting better for them. Cuddy knew that House had a problem with drinking and drugs, but she didn't think that it had gotten as bad as it had gotten.

That wasn't to say that all this time, House was being a good boy and staying faithful to Cuddy either. House had also cheated on Cuddy more than once. He just never told her. House also increased his Vicodin habit to include Oxycotin, a narcotic similar to morphine. The Vicodin he was taking didn't work anymore. He had forged the prescriptions and had been taking them for years now. He also steadily increased his drinking more and more, but slowly so Cuddy wouldn't catch on. He was smart like that. He didn't think that Cuddy suspected anything; he was wrong and was in for a big surprise.

The events that followed are what lead Cuddy to leave House for good.

One day Cuddy had come home from work at PPTH and wasn't surprised to find House sleeping on the couch. Cuddy knew that House worked hard at the hospital. Cuddy looked at the mess before her and sighed wearily as she went over to where he lay and helped him out of his sport jacket he wore. He was a very sound sleeper so Cuddy knew that her moving him wouldn't be a problem. Cuddy saw an amber bottle fall out of his jacket pocket and picked it up assuming it was his Vicodin bottle. She was shocked to see that it was a bottle for a prescription for Oxycotin which Cuddy had 'signed off' on. As she read the label, she noticed that the script called for 2 pills every 5 hours for 10 days. House had almost no pills left!

To say that Cuddy was angry was an understatement! She so badly wanted to slap him and hit him for not only hurting her, but for hurting himself too! Instead of slapping him, Cuddy found the biggest container that would hold ice cold water and poured it all over House. He woke up freezing wet, yelling and cursing at her. Cuddy however stood there with her hands on her hips with the meanest look on her face that House had ever seen. In her hand, she rattled the almost empty bottle of Oxycotin and then she threw it at House expectedly. House caught off guard from the water thrown on him, fumbled with the bottle, but eventually caught it. He looked at and he knew he was in huge, gigantic, humungous trouble with Cuddy. And that didn't even cover how pissed off she was about the pills. House opened his mouth like he was going to talk and started to say something when he felt Cuddy slap him as hard as she could. The look of fury, hate, betrayal, sadness, disappointment and other emotions shone in her eyes as she looked at him. But she never said a word to him. What could House say, he didn't blame her for being mad, and hell he'd be mad too!

Neither of them spoke the entire rest of the day or night or next day or the days to come. Cuddy didn't speak to House at all and made him sleep out on the couch every night; she wanted nothing to do with him. House could do nothing in return because he knew deep down if he was honest with himself that he had brought this all on himself and there was nothing he could do to win her back. So it was no surprise that one day House came home and his apartment was half empty. He knew as soon as he opened the door and limped in and looked around. The light in the kitchen that was usually on where Cuddy always made dinner for them was off and dark, the collection of Cuddy's DVD's was missing as were her CD's. He limped in the bedroom and saw that the drawers were opened and cleaned out of where her clothes used to be and when he went into the bathroom, he found it half empty.

House stumbled crying out of the bedroom towards the kitchen when he saw the note on the kitchen counter. It read, 'House, I can't do this anymore. You've hurt me too much for too long. We've caused each other too much pain over the years, and I can't live like this anymore. I have to let you go. I'll always remember you. Love Cuddy.' House didn't see or feel the wet tear drops that graced the counter top as he stood there in his dark kitchen crying silently. His life as he knew it was over.

_(Chorus)  
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain  
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain  
From my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry_

House had never been the kind of guy to show his feelings, ever. With this devastating blow to his life, he still didn't let others see his pain. After Cuddy had left him, House drowned himself in alcohol and drugs even more so. He got drunk every night just enough to pass out, but not enough to make him hung over in the morning. He had gotten quite good at that trick. The drunken man always considered himself to be a strong kind of guy, but he often found himself crying at night alone in his dimly lit apartment, crying over the memories they had together, the laughter they shared, the love they made and the holidays they took together. Every memory made him cry even harder and drink and get high even more.

_Would it help if I turned a sad song on  
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone  
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters  
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better  
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way_

_(Chorus x2) _

As House sat in his dimly lit apartment, still drinking and getting high and thinking about to how his life got shot to hell after she left him 4 years ago that night, he took a long pull on the bottle he was holding and got up from the couch. He staggered and limped into his bedroom where he opened his closet door and got a dusty shoebox which lay on the floor. He picked up the box, closed the door and made his way back to where he sat before. House sat down and took another pull on the bottle he was holding and with a sigh he took the lid off the box and set it down next to the almost empty bottle he was drinking from. The drunken and poorly dressed man carefully unfolded the handwritten letters she had left for him, around the apartment or at work over the years. He cried once again as he read and relived every single word and memory.

House knew that he would never get over Cuddy. He loved her more than life itself, more than his next breath and they had both screwed up each others lives too much. There was so much hurt and anger, resentment, betrayal, disappointment, and so many other emotions on both their parts. House knew that he could never and would never go on to love another woman like she loved him. Hell, Cuddy had seen him through Stacey leaving him, the Tritter issues and so much more. House instead of being grateful had taken her for granted and she had taken him for granted too. Too many tearful nights on both their parts, though House wouldn't admit he cried. Too many fights and arguments about too many different issues. House couldn't go on living in the hell that was his life. It was all too much.

That was when he made his decision. He got up from the couch, using his cane and he limped into the bedroom and bathroom. He came out minutes later with multiple bottles, as many as he could carry, a total of 3 and a half almost full bottles of prescription pills which he had gotten over the years and he dumped them on the coffee table top. Then he went and got the biggest bottle of whiskey he had and set it down on the coffee table top next to the pill bottles.

House then reached over and grabbed the phone and dialed both Wilson and then he dialed his parents. Neither of the were home, so he left messages, telling them happy Thanksgiving, even though it was no where near the time of the year to celebrate that holiday. He unplugged the phone and turned off his cell phone. He stopped momentarily as he opened one of the pill bottles as he thought of Cuddy. _'I should call her. But what's there to say? I'm sorry. Yeah, like that'll do some good now.'_ he thought. House shrugged the thought off and continued to open all three pill bottles. Then he scooped up the pills from each bottle in his hand and chased them each down with the whiskey. By the time the last sip of whiskey had touched his lips, he was already half unconscious from the huge amount of pills and whiskey. House dizzily fell off the couch and onto the floor. He felt at total peace and felt no pain, physically, or emotionally. As his eyes were almost closed the last thing he saw was the wooden floor of his apartment and the last thought he had before he died was that he was finally free.

Sometime later, Wilson came knocking on House's door, yelling at him to open the door and let him in. It wasn't until there was no answer for almost 10 minutes that Wilson got worried, he opened the door with the key House had given him and stood in the doorway as he saw his best friend lying on the floor. Wilson rushed over to where he lay and felt the warmth that was still in his friends' body. Wilson tried to get a pulse, but found none. Tears welled up in his eyes as he sat there on the floor and held House and cried. After Wilson had managed to compose himself, he got out his phone and called Cuddy. He heard Cuddy scream loudly at hearing the news. Wilson began to cry again. Wilson then phoned the Ducklings, Chase, Cameron, Foreman, Taub, Thirteen and Kutner and told them the news; they were as shocked as everyone else. Wilson then made the hardest call of all. Wilson composed himself once again as he dialed the number to House's parents. Luckily, or unluckily they were home, luckily because Wilson only had to tell them once. House's mom answered the phone and within a few seconds of saying hello, Wilson then said "I'm so sorry Blythe." She needn't ask what he was sorry for, she knew, John House knew as he heard his wife scream. It was the worst day of their lives.

PPTH was never the same again. Almost a month after House's death, the Ducklings all quit and moved out the NJ area. The Diagnostics Department was shut down for good, despite Cuddy's efforts to try and keep it up and running. Cuddy was hit the hardest by all of this and resigned as Dean of Medicine and Wilson too took this hard and despite his best efforts, he too quit PPTH. None of House's co workers could walk around the halls of PPTH and be reminded every where they turned of House. It was all too much for all of them. Life would never be the same for any of them, but they would each remember House in their own special way. He would live on forever in their hearts, minds, actions and words.


	2. Chapter 2

8/23/2008

8/29/2008

Disclaimer: I don't own House, Cuddy, or the Ducklings, David Shore owns them. I don't own the song "Tonight I Wanna Cry" which is what this second chapter is based upon. The song is sung by Keith Urban.

Rated: M Please R&R!

A/N: This story deals with the after math of chapter 1 of "Tonight I Wanna Cry". Read this first to have an understanding of the story line. Use of language, you've been warned.

A/N 2: This is dedicated to drgemini86

A/N 3: See chapter 1 of this story for other disclaimers and A/N.

A/N 4: I know that Cuddy was supposed to resign in the first chapter, but I'm changing that.

A/N 5: Sorry if any of the characters seem OOC.

Tonight I Wanna Cry Chapter 2

Life after House was a concept none of them knew what to do with. In the days, weeks, months and years that followed House's death, each of them were equally and uniquely affected by it.

Cuddy and Wilson, both of whom knew House on the most personal level, were the most deeply affected by their friend's death. Cuddy tried, as hard as she could to keep the Diagnostics Department up and running by hiring another doctor and another and another. But soon time took its toll and the department had to be shut down, per request of the Board at PPTH. All of this affected Cuddy emotionally as well, though she would never let it come to light, House's death was killing her inside. She put on a good front while at work, but everyone knew she was just putting on a show, even Wilson. Her facade she thought she kept it up well that was until she was fired by the Board at PPTH because of her inability to run a hospital. It was at that moment that she was fired that she knew her life was over.

As she walked to her car with her belongings in a box or two, she wondered if House ever felt that his life was over. She shook her head and told herself not to think like that. Even so, she began to cry. She loved him even after his death. Cuddy wondered what House would say if he could see her now: walking to her car, tears running down her face, carrying boxes of the things in her office, and carrying a purse. God her life was a mess and now she had nowhere to go!

House would probably laugh at her actions and call her an idiot and she would snark at him like usual. A small smile lit up her face as she recalled the many times they argued. What she wouldn't give for just one more argument, one more look on his face, one more lashing of his sarcastic tongue and one more passionate kiss!

A small sob stifled in her throat and luckily she made it to her car before she dropped the boxes and everything else she held. Somehow she managed to get her keys out her purse, open the car door, half hazardly toss the boxes and her purse in the front seat and collapse in the driver side seat and let the tears flow. She sat there for who knows how long, crying over everything. Every detail of the life they shared together, every memory both good and bad both at PPTH and when they lived together. Cuddy cried for the lover, best friend, pain in the neck employee and great man she had lost all that time ago. Time passed, she didn't know or care how much as she looked up and saw that it was very dark outside. Somehow she drove home, with tears still flowing down her cheeks. She got home, got her purse and the boxes out of her car and went inside.

Cuddy put the boxes on the kitchen counter along with her purse. Then she headed to her bedroom and put on comfortable clothes which for her consisted of a pair of House's old boxers and an old t-shirt. Cuddy didn't always sleep in House's old clothes; she only did it when she needed to feel close to him. Tonight was one of those nights. Cuddy walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of wine, opened it, poured herself a glass and then grabbed from the freezer a carton of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and a spoon. She maneuvered the bottle of wine, spoon, carton of ice cream and wine glass in both arms and carried them all out to the living room and put them on the coffee table. In the hours that passed, Cuddy drank the entire bottle of wine, ate the carton of ice cream and finished off another bottle of wine, all whilst watching TV and DVDs. Many of the DVDs were House's.

The next morning Cuddy had one hell of a hangover as she lay on her couch. She passed out/slept until sometime later on that day and woke up feeling empty, exhausted and like hell. Cuddy managed to stumble her way into the bathroom where she puked and looked at herself in the mirror. Dark circles were under her eyes, her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her hair was a tangled mess and her breath smelled like wine. She sighed and wondered if this was how House ever felt. Cuddy wondered how many times House woke up like this from a night of drinking and getting high.

Cuddy brushed her teeth, and walked out and into the kitchen and made the strongest pot of coffee she could. If House could see her now, he probably be laughing his ass off. Somehow Cuddy made it through a shower without falling over from nausea. She spent the rest of the day, doing nothing, except for doing wash, sleeping and watching TV and DVDs. She was depressed and drunk and exhausted in more ways than one.

Over the next several days, weeks and months, Cuddy picked herself up, literally and figuratively. The one hangover she had had was enough to jumpstart her into realizing that she didn't want to end up like House. God she felt guilty for thinking that, but it was true. Cuddy knew that House wouldn't want her to end up like him. With that in mind, she was determined to make something of herself once again, in spite of the fact that she now had no job. Cuddy cleaned herself up and went out and found herself a job, hell she had the credentials didn't she?

Cuddy soon landed a job at a nearby hospital as Dean of Medicine once again. This hospital was near her home, just like PPTH was and it kept her in close contact with her fellow employees. It was hard keeping in touch with them, with the busy hours she worked and all. While she still had her bad days, she didn't cry as often as much when she thought of House, she smiled more now when she thought of him and the life he would have led. Cuddy was the same work-a-holic Dean of Medicine just like before. Only this time, instead of working herself to death, she settled down with a man whom she'd met at a local hospital fundraiser. His name was Sam and they'd been together now for a few years. At first it was hard for Cuddy to commit to a relationship with Sam, but she promised herself and him that they'd work it out together and so far they'd done well. Sam was very caring and understanding of the job that Cuddy held.

One morning while sitting in her office working on paperwork, she received an unexpected phone call. It was Wilson, who she hadn't heard from since she'd gotten fired from PPTH. Wilson told her they should meet and talk and Cuddy agreed. She told her assistant to clear her schedule for the rest of the day. With that, she left the hospital and drove soon to meet Wilson.

Cuddy met Wilson at the local park, near PPTH. It was the park that they both knew well. Cuddy looked at Wilson and saw a sadder, thinner, more defeated man than she had seen all that time ago before she had left PPTH. Cuddy smiled at Wilson and gave him a hug. Together they sat down on the bench and both were silent for a while, each lost in their own thoughts.

It was Cuddy who broke the silence and said, "So Wilson, you look good." They both knew it was a lie. His appearance had changed a lot since House's death, he had permanent dark circles and a look of guilt shone in his eyes. "How have you been?" Cuddy asked.

Wilson sighed and gave her a small smile. His brown eyes had lost their spark, she noticed, but said nothing.

"I've been okay Cuddy. After you left PPTH, I resigned. But life hasn't been easy since then. There was a dark period that I was in after House's death where I thought I would die. I drank too much for too long and even considered killing myself as I couldn't deal with the fact that House is dead. To this day, I still feel guilty about his death. The 'would've, could've, should've' mantra keeps running through my head."

Cuddy put her hand over Wilson's and gave it a reassuring squeeze and smiled at him.

He continued on. "In spite of the hardship of the past, I'm working through it with the help of a therapist. God House would laugh hysterically if he could see me now! Boy Wonder Oncologist seeing a shrink!" Wilson laughed at himself and Cuddy smiled reassuringly.

"Seeing the therapist has really helped and not to mention that after I left PPTH, I got a job at Princeton General as Head of the Oncology Department. It's not to same since you and House are gone, but I enjoy my job."

Cuddy spoke, "I've been following your career after you left PPTH and you've made quite the name for yourself, both personally and professionally. Congratulations on your engagement to Sarah." Cuddy smiled at Wilson.

His face lit up as he began to talk about her. "Sarah and I have been together for a few years. We met at a local gala dinner in support of Oncology research. I love her so much and she's really helped me through all of this. She's been very supportive and loving." Wilson showed Cuddy a picture of the two of them together on a recent holiday to Greece.

Wilson spoke again, "The real reason I invited you here was to invite you to the get together that we're having tonight at the local bar, you know the one I'm talking about." Cuddy nodded her head and Wilson continued. "Well, I managed to track down House's team and convinced them to meet me, err, us at the bar tonight at 8:00p.m. So, Cuddy, what do you say?"

Cuddy was silence for a short time while she thought it over. She wasn't the kind of woman to go out to a bar. But how often did she see House's former employees? Never was the answer. Cuddy sighed inwardly and smiled at Wilson.

"I'll be there at 8:00." Cuddy replied. "Oh look at the time; I've got to get home. I'll be there, I won't be late." With the she smiled at Wilson, gave him a hug and went on her way.

Hours later, Cuddy showed up at the bar, relieved that she wasn't the first one there. She saw Wilson, Chase, Cameron, Foreman all sitting in a booth in the far off corner. She smiled at them, said hello and sat down and ordered a drink. Foreman told her they were still waiting for Kutner, Thirteen and Taub. The rest of the Ducklings joined them at a later time.

Meanwhile, Foreman, Chase and Cameron told Cuddy and Wilson what they had been up to since House died.

Foreman told Cuddy that he had moved out of the NJ area after House's death and was now working as Head of the Neurology Department at a hospital in PA. It had taken him a while to get a respectable reputation going after he left PPTH, but he was happy where he was. He told them that he learned a lot from House, how not to be like him, but also how to get what he wants when he wants it. He told them that he is dating this beautiful woman who he met a local bar. They've been going out for quite some time and he really loved her. Foreman divulged that in spite of House's pain in the ass demeanor, he really did learn a lot from the brilliant man and was sad to see him go.

Foreman took a long pull on his beer and was quiet for some time. He wasn't the kind of man who spoke a lot about his life and he needed to be alone for some time.

Cameron took a sip of her beer and spoke up. She told her former fellows that she left PPTH after House's death and moved to Baltimore, MD where she worked as a senior attending in the ER. She told them how much she enjoyed the job, in spite of the long hours. Cameron went on to tell them how much she respected House for doing what he did and as much of an ass that he was, she respected him immensely and wondered what his life would've been like if he'd been alive today. She informed them that she didn't move to MD right away, she 'shopped around' per se, working in different hospitals around the country: TN, WV, SC, FL and she finally settled on MD. She lived in an apartment with her dog, a black lab named Gandalf, after her favorite Lord of the Rings character. She also had a boyfriend named Tom who she'd been seeing for quite some time.

Cameron like Foreman wasn't the kind of person to share about their lives and this made her nervous and so she took a long pull from her beer.

They all looked at Chase and he looked at his beer and took a long pull and after putting the glass down, he sighed and started to speak. After he left PPTH, he moved to CA, Seattle, NC, IL trying all the while to find work with which he was pleased with as a surgeon. Chase stammered as he whispered the part where he'd gotten fired from all of those hospitals in all of those places. So, he decided to pack up his stuff and move back home Australia. After all, the only thing he had waiting for him there were a few good mates since both his parents had died. He now worked at Gosford Hospital in New South Wales, AU. It was a teaching hospital and he was the head of the Intensive Care Department. Chase also told them that he lived in a flat with his girlfriend, Sienna and their Jack-Russell Terrier named Duke.

Wilson then shared with Cameron, Chase and Foreman what he has been up to with his life. They laughed and shared stories about House and his insane antics.

Just as they ordered their food and another round of beer, Kutner, Taub and Thirteen all came up to where they sat. The three former employees sat down at the table and ordered their drinks. While they waited for their drinks to arrive, they each told their tale.

Kutner was first. He spoke of leaving PPTH soon after House died and he moved from the States to England and took up residence as a physician at St. Georges HealthCare Hospital. He loved working with the staff, and even some of the patients. He told them that he thinks House would be proud of him for doing what he's doing. He said he a girlfriend named Katy and they have a son named Brayden.

Their food and drinks finally came and everyone noisily ate and drank, laughed and talked about life and House. They reminisced about House's crazy antics and memories they had shared with their friend.

Thirteen shared that she left PPTH and moved to Montana where she is a physician at Barrett Hospital and Healthcare in Beaverhead County. She really enjoys the people and staff that she works with. She lives with her two dogs names Hobbit and Homer. She is living with her boyfriend named Jake, who she's been seeing for quite a few years. Thirteen admits to the group that she has used some of House's devious skills while at work on her job. She isn't proud of all she has done in her past, but she is grateful to House for what she learned while under his command.

Lastly it's Taub's turn and he takes a shaky breath and a gulp of his beer. He tells the group that he left PPTH soon after House died and moved to CA, specifically to the area of Long beach. He is now working in the hospital of Long Beach Memorial Medical Center where he's a physican. He is single, after getting out of a bad relationship a while back and is happily working. Taub admits to using House's tactics on more than one occasion in order to get the end result he is looking for. He misses him and knows that House would be proud of him for where he is today.

Their waitress comes and asks them if they'd like desert or coffee. They all opt for both desert and very strong coffee. While waiting for their food and drinks to arrive, they share stories of their work, some happy and some sad stories. Many minutes later, their desert and coffee arrives along with the checks. They continue to laugh, talk, eat and drink both coffee and beer well into the night right up until closing time.

The last thing they do before they leave the bar and go their respective ways is toast to their friend and co-worker, a brilliant man who they would never forget.


End file.
